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 The vast majority of women that come to this site do so after their husbands or boyfriends have approached them regarding their interest in a pursuing a relationship where she is in charge. If you are one of these women, you need to first consider that his desire to submit to you is not unusual. The male fantasy of submitting to a dominant woman is the most common fantasy shared by men. A Google search for keywords related to this topic yields millions of hits. There are thousands upon thousands of both commercial and non-commercial sites dedicated to this topic. While the popular image of the leather-clad dominatrix tends to monopolize much of the imagery on these sites, there are many other sites that shun this image altogether and instead focus on the less dramatic side of female authority. However, the underlying notion of men submitting to women is the common theme that ties all these sites together. It is important to realize that these sites did not create the male desire to submit to women, they are a response to that desire. The most important point that any women should recognize is that their husband's (i.e. husband's or committed boyfriend's) desire to submit to them is ultimately an expression of his love, affection and adoration for her. It is no secret that men have trouble expressing their emotions. A man's desire to subject themselves to a woman's authority is an unconscious expression of very strong emotions that are traditionally coveted by women in relationships. Women should be careful not to discourage these expressions of their husband's feeling by rejecting his suggestions without giving them very serious consideration.

Also, consider also the vast amount of courage it takes for a man to approach his wife with this topic. Even in cases where women are open-minded to exploring a relationship of this sort, it must be conceded that the husband had no way of knowing that she would be open-minded ahead of time. Women could wrongly interpret their husband's desire as weird at best and perverted at worst. While this site will assure women that a man's feelings are neither one of these, all men at least consider that by merely raising the topic for discussion, he risks alienating his wife in the process.

Given this risk, his desire to pursue this dynamic in your relationship does not represent a casual interest on his part. To him it is very, very serious. A man that approaches his wife about his desires to play a submissive role in the relationship has probably been thinking about it for a very long time. His desire to approach his wife is driven by underlying forces in his personality that he simply cannot ignore. Many submissive men describe how they have known they were submissive for years before they ever acted upon it. They have denied and fought it all they could, but they finally accept that they would feel more complete and satisfied if the woman in their life formalized her authority over him.

Most women are completely shocked when first approached by their husbands with this topic. They typically had no idea that he harbored these fantasies. Realize, however, that one cannot tell a submissive man by merely seeing him on the street. Many of them have very outwardly dominant and strong personalities. They are successful in their careers and their social lives. However, they know that deep down they will be happiest if they can surrender to the woman that they love and trust. By approaching their wives concerning this desire, they are opening up a window to their personalities that their wives may never have recognized before, but the existence of which the husbands never doubted.

Why, you may ask, has he not been behaving like this all along? Why does he argue with you over the littlest things? Why does he complain when you remind him to do the simplest household chore? If he was submissive, wouldn't he have acting like this all along? That is a complicated answer, and it really has two parts. One part of the answer is that he has been suppressing his submission. Men are not socialized to submit to women. In confessing it to you he unburdens himself of the expectation that have been placed on him. By coming clean about his desires, he becomes free to relate to you in the way that feels right to him. The other part of that answer, however, is more critical in your learning how to nurture his submission. You need to realize that for most submissive men, it is not merely enough that they submit to a woman on their own initiative and without the knowledge of their wives. They must know that their wife acknowledges his submission, that she embraces her authority, and that she behaves accordingly. In other words, his attentiveness to your needs may be enough for you, but it is certainly not enough for him. This may be the most important piece of information on this entire website.

So Your Husband is Submissive… What Next?

Most (but certainly not all) men that desire to submit to their wives follow a similar pattern. They almost always first make up their minds that they are going to begin a campaign of stealth submission to their wives. Said another way, they are going to try to satisfy their desire to submit by behaving as if she were already in charge. They begin doing more and more of the household chores, offering massages, foot rubs, running baths for their wives, etc. Women are very often confused by this approach. They ask their husbands what is behind the change in behavior, but their husbands have not yet mustered the courage to articulate their honest feelings. Women often think that the change in behavior is driven by guilt for something that their husbands have done wrong. Of course this is mistaken, but for the wife's part, she is left puzzled and confused by the new behavior.

The problem is that men that undertake stealth submission quickly find out that it is not working for them. It is not enough for most submissive men to simply undertake to serve and pamper their wives. There must be some explicit acknowledgement on the part of the woman or else the man is left unfulfilled. At some point the husband wants his wife to come out and say that she in charge. The men want not just to do things for their wives; they want their wives to tell them what to do. They want their wives to exercise more control over them.

While most men start out pursuing stealth submission, eventually, the brave among them (probably a minority) end up stumbling into a conversation on the topic. This conversation is usually vague and fails to communicate the depth of his feelings. After all, men generally do a poor job of communicating their feelings. The net result is that he never ends up articulating his desires in a way that is satisfactory to him or his wife. The wife understands that her husband likes doing nice things for her, that he wants to give her more free time, that he is putting her pleasure ahead of his own in the bedroom, etc., but she never really understands the motivation. This lack of communication, this lack of an open and honest conversation on this topic, is a great missed opportunity for both the husband and the wife. This is not just because the husband never has the opportunity to explore a much desired dynamic in the relationship, but also because the wife never fully appreciates what is in it for her.

What is in this for the wife?

Make no mistake, there is a great deal of benefit for any woman that accepts her husband's gift of submission and embraces her authority over him in the relationship. First and foremost is the open acknowledgement that he adores his wife and wants to put her on the pedestal on which she belongs. This open acknowledgement of his genuine affection and complete adoration is reward in and of itself.

There is much more, however, than just the open gesture of affection. The wife will come to enjoy the freedom in decision making that the new relationship dynamic affords her. She will be comfortable knowing that her opinions and decisions will be respected in her household. If she wants control of the household finances, she can have that control. If she wants to be the only half of the couple allowed use of the remote control, she need only to say so.

She will also be able to unburden herself of as much of the domestic duties of the household as she deems fit. The husband will not only take on all the household chores, he will come to enjoy doing them as they represent an opportunity to serve his wife.

One area where there is a great deal of upside for the woman is in the bedroom. While this site takes care to avoid erotic subject matter, women with submissive husbands should understand that their pleasure absolutely comes first. For example, they can enjoy as much unreciprocated oral sex as they please. By no means do they have to go without intercourse. However, intercourse only comes on their terms, and only when they are assured that their own physical needs are being met.

Many women find that delaying or denying their husband's pleasure altogether (for reasonable periods… say one to two weeks at a time) can increase their submissive feelings and actually represent a phenomenal turn-on for the man. Be careful with this tactic, however, as it can backfire. It is one thing to consciously deny him as a mechanism of nurturing his submission. It is another thing to simply ignore his sexual gratification. When denying him, always let him know that you are doing it consciously. Tell him in absolute terms that you know what he wants, but you are choosing to keep him from having it. Without words to this effect, the results will be nothing but frustration on his part.

There is much to learn about this relationship dynamic, but what you have read so far is at least a reasonable introduction. If you are feeling overwhelmed, you are not alone. For any woman, the fact that their husband has been suppressing such a strong desire to surrender so completely to his wife is all very difficult to accept. In fact, accepting all of this is the hardest thing about it to most women. Once women accept it - embrace it - it all becomes a wonderful new reality for them.

How should the well prepared woman react?

I caveat this section by using the phrase "well prepared woman". This is because most women are caught completely off guard by their husband's desire to relinquish control. While women are obviously entitled to act however they choose, there are certainly some behaviors and dialogues that will allow them to more quickly and productively begin a path to a mutually satisfying relationship. Rather than speak here in generalities, it might be more productive to read from two letters that I have received related to this very topic. They recount the actual experiences of women that received their husband's confession with open minds and open arms:

Letter from a wife 1: Learning Something New About Her Husband

My husband had been acting very odd for almost two months. He hadn't argued with me over anything. He had done virtually all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. without my even asking. He began giving me massages and steadily progressed to foot rubs. He even offered to give me a pedicure! I knew something was up, but I was completely clueless. My first suspicion was that he had cheated on me and was acting out his guilt. I tried to talk to him about it, but he just kept saying that he liked doing nice things for me. Needless to say, I didn't buy it.

I took to the internet and more or less discovered the existence of submissive husbands. It became apparent to me that he was expressing submissive desires. I tested my theory by writing up a "to do" list for him. I left it on his dresser on a Monday morning. By the end of the week he had finished everything on my list. This was not just some short list of quick tasks. This was a pretty lengthy list. He spent every night that week cleaning the basement, cleaning the garage, changing light bulbs, vacuuming out my car, you name it. This was in addition to all the laundry, cooking and other jobs that he had already made part of his routine.

As he checked tasks off the list, I made certain not to thank him. This was based on some advice I had read in an online forum. I told him that he had done a good job (he had, believe me!), but I never thanked him. When Friday night rolled around, I told (not asked, but told) him to go run me a bubble bath. I had him help me out of my clothes and into the tub. Then I had him go open a bottle of wine and bring me a glass. Then, before sending him off, I had him light some candles and turn on some music. I instructed him to go back out to the den and finish the bottle of wine himself. Maybe asking him to drink the wine was cheating a little bit, but I wanted to loosen him up as best I could. In any event, he obeyed every one of my commands to the letter.

I took my time enjoying my bath. I finally got myself out of the tub and dressed myself in some sexy panties and a short robe. I walked out in the den, turned off the television and took a seat on the couch. There was still some wine left in the bottle, so I had him pour me another glass as I needed a little loosening up myself.

At this point he actually asked me if there was anything he could do for me. His behavior along with the wine was inspiring me to new confidence. I told him that yes; there were some things I still had for him to do. To begin with, he could rub my feet. He first started to do this by sitting at the opposite end of the couch and putting my feet in his lap. I told him that I would prefer it if he would do it while kneeling on the floor. He took to this like it had been his life's dream. He looked so incredibly loving kneeling at my feet. For the first time, I felt empowered. I can't really explain why, but it made me feel so very close to him.

I told him that I was really pleased with the way that he had been acting lately. He had been so helpful to me. He had done a good job with the list that I had given him. In fact, it was such a good job that I was already working on another list. Then I asked him a series of questions, each of which was met by an enthusiastic "yes" from him. Did he like the way our relationship had been going lately? Did he like doing what I asked him to do? Did he like the way that I seemed to be in charge lately? Finally, I looked him straight in the eyes and asked him outright if he felt submissive towards me. This time he answered me with an emphatic, "Yes, I do."

This, I think, was where my research really paid off for me. I understood that I had to seize upon this moment. I told him that I understand him completely. I was willing to accept my authority over him, but he must accept his submissiveness to me. Most of the time, our relationship will be just like it was, but when I desire to exert my control over him, I expect him to obey me. There are going to be times when that reality is going to frustrate him. There will be times when he disagrees with my decisions; that's ok. I want to hear his opinions. I will respect them and consider them in coming to my final decision. In the end, however, I am in charge. I know it, and he accepts it.

If I could give one piece of advice to other women it would be not to let all of these things go unsaid. Submissive men want their wives to formally acknowledge their authority in the relationship.

Signed… Beth in Ohio.

Letter from a wife #2: A Better Relationship with her husband

My husband is about the most masculine man that I know. He loves football, prefers hamburgers to fancy restaurants, and (in the past at least) has never been the poster child for being a strong communicator.

About two years ago, I noticed that he had been acting funny. He had been doing work around the house where as before he had never lifted a finger. He was cooking dinner and doing laundry for literally the first time in our marriage. I didn't know what was behind his behavior, but I was afraid to question it since I could use all the help I can get. You can imagine how surprised I was when he finally told me one night that he wanted to try and make some changes in our relationship. He wanted to me to become the head of our household.

At first I was very hesitant. It seemed weird to me to be quite honest. I told him I would think about it, but I quickly proceeded to act as if nothing had happened. He also started behaving as if he had never brought the topic up at all. I know now that he felt very ashamed and embarrassed by my initial reaction. I now underestimated how much it took for him to come clean with me about his desires.

It was only after a couple of weeks, after he had reverted to doing absolutely no chores around the house, that I brought the topic up again. It was actually in the context of an argument with him that it came up. I was yelling at him for throwing his clothes on the floor. He begrudgingly got up and started picking everything up. I told him that if he was really serious about me being the head of the household, he would be in for more than he bargained. At this point his eyes lit up. Instead of just walking away, I took the opportunity to give him a chance to talk more about it. He said that he just felt more comfortable if I was in charge. He said he had felt that way for a long time. I told him I was willing to give it a try.

It was a struggle at first. Little by little I got more comfortable in telling him what I wanted. Still, he would occasionally lapse back into his old ways. Finally, I sat down with him and told him that I was too used to being in control to go back. I told him that while I felt as close to him as ever, things were different now. I now expected him to obey me. I don't know what had clicked in me. I guess I was enjoying being in control as much as he enjoyed submitting. Once I openly communicated my expectations, things have never been better. I feel so much closer to him now that we have both accepted our roles in the relationship.

It is completely transparent to our friends. He is respectful to me in front of others, but nobody outside of the two of us would ever guess just how much control I have in the marriage. It really is a great arrangement. Every woman should be so lucky!

Signed… Wendy in Pennsylvania

You should know in advance that even the most well-intentioned husband will occasionally fall off the wagon. Life is full of challenges and it is often easy for even the most submissive husband to become distracted by the challenges of balancing work and your relationship. However, know that even when he does slip… when chores go undone, when he seems grumpy at a new list of tasks… he is still submissive at his core. In other words, he wants you to push back on him. Tell him he will do what you say whether he likes it or not. Busy, grumpy or otherwise, you are still in charge and he is still expected to obey. These moments where you remind him of your authority will reward him like nothing else possibly can.

A Sexual Component that Cannot Be Ignored

This is so very important!

Women have never gone wrong by overestimating how important sex is to their husbands. And by sex, I don't just mean the physical act of sex; I mean the psychological components of sex as well. While men love physical sex, they also desire a level of sexual energy in their relationships that is very often missing. While this is useful information for any woman, it is critical for those with submissive husbands. A submissive husband craves sexual energy (which you can feel free to read as sexual "attention") from his wife as much as or more than he craves physical sex. He can go without the physical sex for extended periods of time, but he needs the sexual energy to feel satisfied.

How exactly does the wife go about adding sexual energy to the relationship? For starters, she can be sexually playful throughout the day. She can be affectionate with the intent of arousing him by kissing on his neck, nibbling on his ears, and patting him on the bottom as the couple goes about their daily routine. It is particularly useful if as she does these things she is telling him what she expects from him. For example, instead of asking him to take out the trash, sneak up behind him, kiss on his ear and tell him to take out the trash in a soft, sexy whisper. He will absolutely love this!

Remember that this does not have to result in any more physical sex than the woman desires. However, the woman needs to be recognize that her husband's desire to have physical sex will be higher than ever. She should not make the mistake of ignoring this reality; she should overtly acknowledge it. As was said before but bears repeating, most submissive men are very happy to be denied release (within reason) if their wives make it clear that they are consciously exerting their control over their husbands. Wives can simply tell him that they like having him remain aroused as he's easier to control. They can tell him he hasn't yet earned sex yet. They can tell him whatever they want as long as they do not ignore his heightened arousal. Importantly, women should not let their own physical needs go unanswered. Just because the husband is denied physical release does not mean that the woman needs to be denied. The wife should receive all the sexual stimulation (e.g. oral sex) she likes with no expectation that the act will be reciprocated.

Most women would not want to forego intercourse altogether as it is an important and enjoyable component of their sex life. However, when women do have intercourse with their husbands, they should not necessarily concede to him his orgasm. They can have him pull out whenever they feel like it. Consider the benefits to you of keeping him on edge. It is no great secret that after sex men become very sleepy and disinterested in affection and communication. Men have a physiological response to orgasm that is in conflict with a woman's emotional requirements for cuddling and talking after sex. I promise that any man that is denied an orgasm will have no desire whatsoever to get quickly off to sleep after being intimate with his wife. In fact, he will probably open up and talk as never before. He will dote on his wife, playing with her hair, rubbing her back, and kissing her neck and shoulders. He will behave as if he is just getting to know her. It will be as if the old flames have been rekindled.

When first experiencing this intentional arousal and denial, most men are amazed at what it does to their brain chemistry. The intensity of the feelings that men have for their wives goes through the ceiling. Men literally find themselves anxious to do something, anything, to please their wives. One wife even wrote that her husband wakes up early to do her laundry on nights that he is "deprived".

Example Behaviors for Women that Want to Nurture Their Husband's Submission

In the end, women can react and behave however they want regarding their husband's interest in submitting. While this site recognizes a woman's freedom to react however she pleases, many women nonetheless write us wanting very specific suggestions for behaviors that will nurture and encourage their men. These women crave these suggestions because being outwardly dominant is so completely new - and not always completely comfortable -- for them. At the risk of prescribing behavior that reads like a script, these snippets of dialogue may be useful to these women.

Sample Dialogues for Wives with Submissive Husbands

(Some of these seem pretty corny, but these little snippets have received tons of positive feedback! Feel free to send your own and we'll add them to the collection.)

Go get the lotion. I need you to rub my feet.

Run my bath for me. And while I'm in there get started on the laundry.

Get up, Sweetheart, and make me some coffee and an English muffin with butter.

You did a nice job cleaning the bathrooms; I am very pleased with you.

I want a full body massage for exactly one hour; keep an eye on the clock. When you are done I want you to go down on me until I tell you to stop. Afterwards, we'll both go to sleep. You won't be having an orgasm tonight.

I'm going out with the girls tonight. While I'm gone you can work on the laundry.

I want you writing down everything that you eat. I want to monitor your eating habits so that I can make some changes. Also, you'll be starting an exercise program this week.

I think I need to put you on a budget. At the beginning of every week, I'll give you an allowance. If an emergency comes up, please feel free to come to me and we can discuss giving you some extra money.

He is still the same man that you have always loved

By far, the most common concern that we hear from women is that they do not want to trade in the husband that they love for a mindless domestic servant. This is a fair concern, but it is the manifestation of an essential misunderstanding of how this dynamic will impact their relationship.

While some men, and doubtless some women, fantasize about a relationship where the man is engaged in a constant, 24/7 effort of nipping at his wife's heels to please her, this is simply not a relationship that works for most people in the long-run. It is better to understand loving female authority as a dimension of the relationship that is always present, but not always out in the open. Day in and day out, the vast majority of the woman's interactions with her husband will be exactly as they are today. Husbands and wives share friendship, trust, affection and a spiritual love that is completely independent of who has the final authority in the household. None of this - absolutely none of this - changes when the wife acknowledges her husband's submission.

They will still laugh together, they will still play together, and they will still work together for common goals. If there are disagreements in the household, the woman's decision will certainly be final, but relationships do not revolve around conflict resolution. The husband will most likely take on a much greater percentage of the household chores, but neither do relationships revolve around domestic work. The woman can be as demanding as she chooses as often as she chooses. Just because the submissive husband has an innate desire to feel controlled by his wife, she does not have to reinforce that control every time she speaks to him. She can do so daily, weekly, or however often she feels that the husband's role in the relationship needs reinforcing to keep him fulfilled.

Of particular concern is that fact that many women do not want to feel dominant in the bedroom. When the make love they like to feel, either once in a while or virtually every time, that they are being taken by their strong, masculine mate. A woman that feels this way should feel open to communicating this with her husband so that her sexual needs are being satisfied in a way that suits her particular tastes and preferences. This woman, however, should understand that her husband craves this same sense of submission in the bedroom that she does. She should nurture his submission by dedicating periodic sexual activity that reinforces her authority and his submission. How often this takes place is something that each couple should work out together.

Is this all there is to it?

This site is intended as an introduction to loving female authority. The suggestions and topics covered on this site are as far as many men and women care to go. Importantly, they are farther than most men that harbor a hidden desire to submit to their wives have ever gone. Grow in your relationship and go whatever direction pleases you. He will faithfully and lovingly follow you.

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